i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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