i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My dick has a subreddit
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
