I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
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I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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