I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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