he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
