I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
