I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Randomize
