So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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