i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
