you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
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Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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