you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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