note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
