Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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