I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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