I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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