So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
