I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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