first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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