Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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