if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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