also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
