Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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