ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
