Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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