Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
