Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.