i just sent this text using only my big toe
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
