I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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