evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
