Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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