There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
