I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
