i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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