i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
