nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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