you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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