if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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