don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
