guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
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She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
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I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat