Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
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There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!