Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!