I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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