I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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