they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
