I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
