Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
