My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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