just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
