I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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