i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
