the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
