My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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