Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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