if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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