Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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