ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
