I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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