Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
